Ferrari Engine, Bicycle Brakes: Navigating Adult ADHD with Katy Weber

Written By Erin Martin

Have you ever felt like everyone else received a manual to life that you somehow missed?

For many women, daily life feels like a constant battle against an invisible current. On the outside, you might look like you have it completely together—maybe you're a high-achieving professional, a meticulous perfectionist, or the PTA president. But behind closed doors, you are completely exhausted, secretly white-knuckling your way through daily tasks and mistaking your struggles for personal failure.

In a recent episode of Find Your Fuel, host Erin Martin sat down with Katy Weber, an ADHD advocate, certified coach, and host of the popular Women & ADHD podcast. Katy was diagnosed with ADHD during the pandemic at the age of 45. Her diagnosis completely flipped her world upside down, transforming her understanding of her lifelong battles with anxiety, depression, and overwhelm from "personal flaws" into what they truly are: biological realities.

Here is a deep dive into Katy’s story, the neurobiology of the adult female ADHD brain, and radical advice on how to stop fixing yourself and start supporting yourself.

The "Pandemic Diagnosis" Wave

Like thousands of women in 2020, Katy hit a wall when the pandemic shifted her children to remote learning. Managing her business while suddenly acting as a chef, teacher, and tech-support specialist threw her into a state of frozen overwhelm. When she complained to her therapist about her inability to focus, her therapist dropped a truth bomb: Have you ever looked into ADHD?

"I was totally floored. I was kind of insulted because I had this stereotype of what ADHD looked like—someone who couldn't get their act together, who failed at everything, and couldn't sit still. I was the PTA president! I felt like I had done a really good job of presenting myself as this high-achieving, A++ woman." — Katy Weber

What Katy hadn’t realized was how much of her high-achieving persona was a protective facade. While her hyperactivity wasn't physical (like a young boy running around a classroom), it was deeply internal—characterized by a racing mind, a constant influx of ideas, and chronic mental exhaustion.

The Mask of the Swan

Many adult women with ADHD lean heavily on the Swan Metaphor:

  • On the surface: Glide along looking perfectly calm, collected, and successful.

  • Underneath the water: Paddle madly and frantically just to tread water and keep from drowning.

Why Women Are Overlooked

Standard diagnostic tools for ADHD were historically built around research conducted on young boys. Because of this, standard self-assessments often ask questions like, "Do you have trouble sitting still?" or "Do you interrupt people constantly?"

When Katy took a general assessment, she scored in the middle. But when she took an ADHD self-test tailored specifically for adult women, her entire life flashed before her eyes. The questions shifted to address emotional and sensory experiences:

  • Do you feel intensely overwhelmed or anxious in grocery stores?

  • Do you experience sudden spikes of rage or emotional dysregulation where everyone around you feels like they are walking on eggshells?

  • Do you struggle with a constant sense of internal restlessness, even when your body is still?

Compensating is Exhausting

When Katy finally went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner for a formal evaluation, she initially claimed she didn't struggle with losing things because she kept her keys, purse, and glasses in exact, rigid locations. Her practitioner stopped her with a profound observation: "You work really, really hard to not forget things."

"It was a gut punch. It’s not necessarily about the deficits; it’s about how hard you’re working against those perceived deficits. At the end of the day, you’re left wondering, 'Why am I so exhausted all the time?'" — Katy Weber

Understanding Executive Function & Dopamine

To thrive with ADHD, you have to understand what is physically happening inside your brain. ADHD is centrally characterized by challenges with executive functioning and dopamine regulation.

1. The Executive Function Management Crisis

Executive functions serve as the "project manager" of the brain. They handle working memory, prioritization, and time management. When executive functions are impaired, breaking a large project down into smaller steps feels nearly impossible.

Katy compares it to a table covered in restaurant buzzers: 

"You have fifty things to do, and all of a sudden they all feel equally important, they are all buzzing, and you don’t know where to start. So, you don’t start at all."

2. The Myth of "Attention Deficit"

ADHD is a bit of a misnomer. It is not a deficit of attention, but rather a dysregulation of attention driven by a neurobiological deficiency in dopamine (the brain's reward chemical).

  • Hyperfocus: If a topic or task is fascinating and dripping with dopamine, an ADHD brain can focus flawlessly for hours at a time.

  • The Invisible Wall: If a task is mundane or ongoing—like folding laundry, washing dishes, or filling out school forms—the brain experiences zero dopamine response. Forcing yourself to do it requires a monumental, Herculean effort.

Actionable Advice: How to Support an ADHD Brain

If you suspect you have ADHD, or you're learning to navigate life post-diagnosis, Katy shares key strategies to transition from survival mode to thriving.

1. Master the Art of "Parking"

Because short-term working memory is limited in an ADHD brain, trying to hold onto reminders mentally is a massive drain on your daily energy reserves.

  • The Hack: Use an Apple Watch, phone assistant, or sticky notes to instantly offload information.

  • How it works: If it's Saturday and you remember you need to fill out a school form, do not try to remember it until Monday. Tell your device: "Remind me to fill out the school form at 9:00 AM on Monday." When Monday arrives, if you don't have time to do it, consciously "re-park" that task to Wednesday. Once a task has a parking spot, your brain can completely let it go.

2. Embrace Visual "Organized Chaos"

Out of sight often means out of existence for an ADHD brain. If you clean up a pile of bills and slide them into a drawer, you may completely forget they exist until you get a late notice.

  • The Hack: Keep important papers visible, but use designated containment zones like whiteboards, clear trays, or what Katy calls a "purgatory pile." Let your partner know why the pile needs to stay out, and schedule a specific, parked time in your calendar to sit down and process it.

3. Radical Self-Acceptance Over "Fixing"

The single most important tool for thriving with ADHD isn't a magical planner, an app, or a rigid routine. It is a fundamental shift in your mindset.


"Don’t waste a minute feeling guilt or shame about who you are. Stop looking at a diagnosis as a way to figure out what's going to 'fix' you. Work on self-acceptance. I am a phenomenal human being, I am really smart, and I also forget things and hate doing boring chores. It comes with the territory of being a quirky, brilliant person." — Katy Weber

How to Be a Better Friend or Parent to Someone with ADHD

Whether you are parenting neurodivergent children (Katy eventually navigated diagnoses for both her son and daughter) or supporting a friend, the gold-standard rule is simple: If they could, they would.

  • Drop the Judgment: When someone with ADHD avoids a task, forgets a birthday, or leaves their room in a disaster state, it is rarely due to laziness, flakiness, or a lack of caring. It is an executive functioning barrier.

  • Get Curious, Not Punitive: Instead of punishing a child or writing off a friend, ask: "What is the barrier standing in your way right now, and what tools do you need to bypass it?"

  • Create Safe Spaces to Fall Apart: Many neurodivergent kids and adults mask their symptoms perfectly at school or work all day. When they come home, they may immediately burst into tears or collapse into anger. This isn't a failure of parenting or a "home issue"—it means home is the only place they feel safe enough to drop the mask and unpack their emotional exhaustion.

Resources for Further Learning

If you’re ready to learn more about your brain, explore the community, or seek a screening tool, check out these excellent resources:


Want to learn More? Watch the full episode, Navigating Adult ADHD with Katy Weber.

Erin Martin
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